Confessional

This morning's lesson in church was on marriage. I'm going into 15 years of marriage this July - so I should know a thing or two about it, right? ....not so much.

In the past few months, I have been working toward renewing my mind and soul. If you are a long-time church-goer you know what that means. If you aren't, it simply means trying to align your life with Christ. Having a Christ-centric life and outlook and thereby realized in thoughts, words and actions. It's life-transforming, I assure you. It's also painful to see how different life could have been if only this commitment occurred long ago. But, you have to start somewhere.

As I said, 14 1/2 years into marriage and I should know the meaning of that - the roles, expectations, the importance and meaning of vows. To some degree, yes, I get it. From a practical, Biblical standpoint, I have not upheld my vows the way that God intended marriage to be. There you go - my confession.

I have been working more and more on what those vows mean and upholding them with Aaron. It wasn't until this morning that I understood or allowed my heart to hear what marriage meant and at it's core - forgiveness. The covenant of marriage, not the contract. The marriage covenant of promises - of things that I promise, that I will do to honor God and my husband. Not a contract or a piece of paper stating that I am contractually bound to a person. But a promise to honor, love, submit and put him above all others.

Something many people know about me is that I am an independent, do what-I-want, when-I-want type of a woman. It's just how I roll. That's okay to some degree, but has no place in a marriage. This is a hard life-lesson for me. Something I have been working on along with forgiveness. My hard heart has gotten in the way many, many, many (did I say many?) times over the past 14+ years. Submission for me meant "doing what I am told" or agreeing to something I may not truly agree with. What I have learned over the past few months is that isn't what it means at all. It means the willingness to make my wants or needs secondary for the betterment of the marriage. To put Aaron's needs above mine. This is something that I do all the time - with virtually everyone - so why not him? The one person who should be my priority has rarely reaped what so many others have associated with me - service.

The point of all of this is to say, being married for over a decade doesn't mean that you're doing it right. I have been fortunate that Aaron has persisted despite a strong-minded wife who became closed-off and hard-hearted for various reasons. I am fortunate for grace and forgiveness even though I have not always offered it freely.

Marriage is tough. It's work. But, once you begin to understand it, it becomes a little easier to navigate and more enjoyable. I guess I will consider myself a slow learner, and thankful that I have an opportunity to move forward - with Christ and with Aaron.