Over the past four weeks I feel like I have been sucked into the abyss. I've sunk into an overwhelming feeling of sadness and pain. I can say I have never felt like this before.
Initially it was sadness for what I anticipated was coming. Now it is the pain of loss. The pain that Grandie has and will endure because she's lost her life partner, her love, her best friend. The indefinite sorrow my mother will face as she can no longer turn to her father for support, advice and companionship. The uncertainty my children will feel as the family gathers and their Great Granddad is no long present. My personal agony as I grieve him...what I've lost. What we have all lost.
I have only found comfort in the presence of a few. Mainly the family who gathered around the bedside of my Granddad and joined me in saying our goodbyes. I suppose because we all shared a common pain. They can relate to the anguish that was shared in that room. I find it hard to be "normal" in my own home. Around my own children, my husband. I want to crawl under a pile of covers and lose myself until I can find my old self.
This pain is real. It's deep. And there is no bandaid large enough to cover it.
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